Rare is the person who’s never felt jealousy….
So…you’ve decided to give swinging a try. Both you and your significant other are ‘good to go’ – you’ve talked about it, you’re both in agreement and nobody’s feeling forced to do anything. Maybe you’ve met a swinger couple online, maybe you’re all set to check out your first swinger party.
But before you take a step out your door, there’s one last big discussion to have…and that’s about jealousy. We can name plenty of couples who have taken the first steps into swinging and run into this:
Things are heating up between the four of you. The lights are dim, everyone’s just tipsy enough to let the inhibitions go and clothes start coming off…and just as you start feeling the nice full breast of the very nice swinger lady you’ve met, you glance over to see your wife with her tongue jammed down the throat of the nice swinger guy, with her hand squeezing the growing bulge in his pants…and all of a sudden, your passion turns to anger and things come to a grinding halt as you get pissed at her for doing what you both had already planned to do!
Trust us, we’ve seen it happen. Too often. A lot of times, people get stuck thinking about how the situation will be for THEM – they’re picturing all the fun they could have with that nice swinger lady – and forget that they’re going to have to deal with their S.O. doing the same thing. And that’s hat swinging IS…what goes for you, goes for your S.O. as well!
Jealousy is not just a common response when it comes to starting out in swinging, it’s something that almost EVERY couple has to deal with. The key, of course, is communication and knowledge.
Communication is vital before things get ‘heated up’ – you and your S.O. need to talk about what’s O.K. and what’s NOT O.K. (we’ve met plenty of experienced couples who swap partners and do most any kind of kinky sex act known, but they have their own rule between them that says they don’t kiss anyone else). Once you have set the rules between you, you need to make sure the other couple knows your rules – and you know theirs. It might be tough sometimes to communicate those rules, but making an awkward comment about what’s against the rules is better than a fight later because someone broke the rules!
Once you’ve set some rules – if any! – and set down some boundaries for your swinging adventure, you still need to remember that jealousy can and does sometimes creep in. Understanding jealousy is key…and jealousy is nothing more than personal insecurity. If you’ve made it this far, you’ve already made the distinction between the physical act of sex and the emotional bonds you feel for your S.O., so it’s important that the first time you see your partner enjoying him or herself with someone else, you remember that that’s the end of it – they’re ENJOYING themselves, but at the end of the night, they’re going home with you! YOU are the one your S.O. loves, and the enjoyment they’re getting is physical, not emotional. Swinging is about BOTH of you getting as much enjoyment out of sex as possible – and if that means your S.O. is getting fucked to a series of shuddering orgasms, you should be thrilled!
Some couples deal with jealousy by going into separate rooms when ‘doing it’…so-called ‘closed swinging’ (as opposed to ‘open swinging’ when everyone is in the same room) where the two sets of swappers are in separate bedrooms. If that works for you – great (that’s not how we do it, or, honestly, most swingers we know, as we’re all major voyeurs who enjoy watching our S.O. get fucked as much as we like fucking!).
Since jealousy is about insecurity, discover what it is you’re insecure about. Usually, once you understand what it is you’re insecure about – and often, it’s something ridiculous like dick size or boob size or techniques during oral sex, that sort of thing – your partner can help you understand that there’s no need to feel insecure.
Are you insecure that your S.O. might ‘fall’ for the new partner? Remember why it is that the two of you are there – to have new sexual experiences, not start a new romance. Are you insecure that your S.O. might be having more fun with their new partner than they have with you? Relax…you might just have some serious fun yourself!
And one final note about jealousy…if you become involved in swinging and there are other issues that suddenly begin to cause problems in your relationship, make swinging the first thing you put on hold until those problems are fixed. There’s no sense in continuing to swing – and risk jealousy problems and further damage to your relationship – until your relationship is back on solid ground.
I went to my first swingers party with this guy Ive been sexually active with in the past. He invited me to the party and paid for the party. I didnt need to pay if I went by myself being a single women and he saved $30.00 off the price to get in by bringing me. We have never had group sex. We have just been with eachother but we are not a couple. He does not discriminate at all and will be with any women. I tried to accept him for who he is and he was really nice to invite me to the party. Here’s the thing. We didnt have sex. We just kissed. He watched me have sex with some guys but didnt seem too turned on by it. When we are alone he usaully attacks me and enjoys being with me. He didnt seem into me at all. I asked him to give me a massage and he asked this other guy to give me one instead. Then he went and joined in on a gang bang in the next bed. This women had every man in the place banging her at once. He sat with me periodically throughout the night but made no move whatsover to be with me and showed no interest in me at all. I was so angry with him. Should he have paid more attention to me being that it was my first party. He kept disapearing throughout the night to be with these woman who were very unattractive. I didnt understand how he could be with those women and especially choose them over me. The last straw was when He was playing with this woman right across from me, kissing her and playing with her boobs and then she was giving him a blow job. I know this is what happens at these parties but I was sooo jealous. I think he was doing this to me intentionally. This woman was huge and looked like she was on drugs. I dont mean to be judgemental but why would he prefer her over me. It just disturbs me that he will be with anybody . I think this is sick. The first thing that pissed me off is that whenever we go anywhere I always have to drive. He makes up some excuse about his car not being in good shape. I go to pick him up at our meeting place and he tells me that he is driving separtly. Why would he do this. He should have driven with me. We get to the party and he introduces me and every one is calling him Jason and Im like floored because he didnt even bother to tell me this piece of information that hes using an alias and I almost burst out laughing. He should have told me that. Its a ridiculous alias. The guy is Latino. There aren’t too many Latinos named Jason. The guy brags about how they all love him at this party and think hes so wonderful and Im like you dont know him like I do. I am still attracted to the guy though. I was sooo jealous and annoyed with him that I sent him a bunch of texts telling him off. Telling him exactly what I thought. Of course he got annoyed with me and turned the tables on me saying thats what swinging is about. That he is shocked that I felt the way I did because he paid for the party and invited me. Then he says that he never wants to see me again. Why is that I cant get mad at this guy without him telling me that he never wants to see me again. He says he is sorry that he told me about the party and that I am a drama queen. Hes always blaming me for everything. To smooth things over even though I said exactly how I felt I just apologized to him and told him I said those things out of jealousy and lets just keep this between ourselves. I only wanted to smooth things over with him because I would like to go back to these parties and I dont want any trouble between us. I met some very nice guys there and they put me on the email list for the parties. Heres the thing I was so hurt that he was ignoring me that I confided in some of the guys there. I discussed it with them and they told me that he should have picked me up at my house and they agreed that jealousy is normal for the first time. What do people think. Should I go back to these parties that he will be at or just forget about them. Why should I be excluded from them when the guys want me to come back and liked me. The only thing he did was tell me about the group. The guy I was confiding in told me that he needs me more than I need him. He won’t be able to get in by himself on the couples parties and he won’t have anyone to invite. He always asks me to go with him. The reason I never went with him in the past was that I got my period. This guy has had problems with other woman in the past and always blames the woman for it. He is the problem.